Issue nº 82

The everyday masters

     Outside the city of Oslo is getting ready for winter. I am chatting in the bar with a very popular European singer. We talk about fame and success, and at a certain moment she asks me if I have anything important to teach her.
     “Of course not,” I answer. “You lead your life like someone who knows that one day they are going to die, and that is what is most important. Nevertheless, I can propose a task for you: for the next six months, keep a diary called “the everyday master.” We always learn something different between dawn and dusk: why not write it down?”
     She accepts the task. Six months later, I receive a copy of her diary full of very interesting notes, lessons from people she met only once but who are certain to remain for ever. Below are some of the most important of these entries.

Accepting yourself
     I found out who I am by looking at others. I am afraid of not being as good as they think I am, but I believe they all think this about themselves. During the time that I kept this diary, I finally accepted that I am brave enough to feel fear and to see myself without any artifices. I feel secure enough to feel insecure.
     I discovered that people try to project a lot of their own insecurity onto you, just as you do with them. They try to diminish you because they feel small, try to intimidate you because they are not convinced that they are capable.

In search of love
     Today I met a Korean who read my hand: a funny character, a wise man for the others but incapable of learning what he teaches. Of course, like all fortune-tellers, he thought that I wanted to know about my love life, so he told me things that I always need to hear:
     a] I am looking for security and adventure at one and the same time, and these things do not go well together (I said nothing, but if I had to choose, I would take adventure).
     b] I fall in love very quickly, and get bored just as fast. “Learn to love yourself,” he said. My problem is not exactly love, because I manage to fall in love so easily – my problem is to show this love, my relating with others.
     c] Why do I get into so many frustrated relationships with so many men? Because I feel that I always have to be relating with someone – and so I am forced to be fascinating, intelligent, sensitive, and exceptional. The effort of seducing makes me give the best of myself, and that helps me. Besides, it is very hard to live with myself.

Avoiding keeping control or being controlled
     If I react the way that people expect me to, I become a slave to them – and that is a lesson that applies both to love and work. It is very difficult to prevent this from happening, because we are always ready to please somebody, or to start a war when we are provoked, but people and situations are the consequences of the life that I have chosen, not the other way around.

Old boyfriends
     Today a friend asked me what all my boyfriends have in common. The answer was easy: ME. And when I said this, I realized how much time I have lost looking for the right person – because they change, while I stay the same and get nothing out of what we live together.
     What makes me distance myself from men who could be important in my life? The need always to be in control. The odd thing is that when I begin to feel jealous, or when I can no longer stand the amorous relationship, men who were so independent and so full of themselves turn into scared little lambs. They become afraid of losing me. At that moment I can no longer respect them and the relationship becomes impossible.
     My friend insisted: “Have you ever loved anyone?” I have always been afraid of that question, but Paulo asked me to write this diary and so I have to give an answer. No, I have never loved anyone. I have had many men but I have always waited for the right person. I have been all round the world and have not managed to find the home that I am looking for. I have been in control and have been controlled, and relationships have never gone beyond that.
     Now that I have answered “No, I have never loved anyone,” I feel freer. I see what is missing in my life.